ArchivePage 2 of 5

Something with many places to start and end.

(Something I'm working on. Read on, but don't worry about it. But tell me what you think. If you want. NBD.)

...

MAN
We expect that each year will have at least one climax. One shuddering start and one—one--end.

WOMAN
CRACK!

MAN
That each year is a doorway. No one minds 364 days of tugging, of fumbling with a greasy knob, if one day it swings open and lets you through.

WOMAN
CRACK! We used to wake to days shutting behind us like that. A sequence anda, anda sound.

MAN
Are you finished?

WOMAN
You tell me.

MAN
It feels pretty good.

WOMAN
Maybe you should look at it.

MAN
He ruffles his own hair, relaxes in his chair and eyes a bowl of pasta on the table. He is certain the haircut is done.


WOMAN

Go look in the mirror, I barely cut any—

MAN
There’s that guy again. You should say hello.

WOMAN
She looks out the window to the street below. She keeps a hand on his shoulder while the other dangles scissors over his ear.  It’s enough to keep him in his chair.

MAN
I’ll introduce you two. He jumps suddenly at the window. The scissors fly out of her hand, just as he starts to yell

WOMAN
Hey! Hello!

MAN
An open blade sticks his foot. Shit! Oh, shit!


WOMAN

Shit, I’m sorry. Oh my god. She dives toward the blood. She grasps at the blood. She tries to pick up the blood like pieces of tinsel.

MAN
A paper towel!

WOMAN
Okay okay okay.

MAN
He hobbles to the table and sits in a different chair. He is too angry to care about the pain, which is fading now anyway. He is too hungry to be angry.

WOMAN
Oh, babe, wait til I clean you up.

MAN
He forks the mac and cheese into his mouth. Chunks of garlic roasted soft as marshmallow. It’s a special meal.

WOMAN
Fine, eat, just keep this under your foot. Fuck, I’m sorry, no more haircuts.

MAN
Is it the little red pond forming under his chair, the littlest glacier melting? Or the thick polish of cheese? He feels like a conqueror.

WOMAN
It’s just you’re always saying we can’t take care of ourselves.  That’s what you think.

MAN
This is the best he’s felt all month.

WOMAN
Just you won’t take time.

MAN
He carries his bowl to the window, chewing.

WOMAN
She feels graceful, following spots of blood, like someone who isn’t watched.

MAN
Hey! He laughs. His forehead plunges through the open window. Returns. Plunges. Returns. I didn’t mean to leave so abruptly.

WOMAN
She sweeps hair clippings into a pile.  What’s his name?

MAN
He’s ignoring me now.

WOMAN
You know, I just realized—well, a few days ago. She sits in the chair he sat in to have his hair cut. It’s ridiculous to think anyone is comparing you to someone else. I mean, no one really does that. No one actually thinks about other people that way. Its just so proportional, like feet and forearms. And it doesn’t make sense. No one cares.

MAN
He looks at her nervously. You don’t compare people?

WOMAN
She thinks, He might be a bad person

Return flight

Two poems written on the way back.

1. Hearing and wanting.

Pumping a straw between the plastic throat of his lid,
his wife said, oh, it sounds like you're moaning.

One hand compresses the blinds, tugs the folding organ;
a hidden twig lattice;
a three walled paper flap;
a mouth a throat.

A cold light crouched elbow to toe inside;
a box left at her friends house clicks on and off, clicks
dragging pictures between its dry cells.

In helmets, bodysuits, drawn over with glow-in-the-dark
pen, freeways pumping light in circuits
from ear to ear.

The costumes of men who fight in our dreams.
The costumes of people with our faces, gray, visited by
our faces on sets and, later, screens.

Beginnings, like watercold fantasies, unsure
but promising note to note. Not really
believing, but pumping the air, for the fingers, first.

It could be that you were better when you started,
and could be better if you start again.

Pumping a straw between the plastic throat of his lid,
His wife said, oh, it sounds like you're moaning.

2. Wanting and still wanting.

the bull's skirt
braid that sags from his chin
the double skull, the soft open
nostrils. He took him by the ring
and moved it neatly
like a spoon across the tongue,
imagining the pull feels something
like sensitive corners in the jaw.
It turned him, the bull turned him over
And stabbed widely with each horn
Like a fish flapping dry.
In the yard it spills hay from
Truckbeds, slumps against loose piles.
He comes back to feed and touch
Again, and feels his fist inside a nostril.

Easy as 1-2-3

goat-door.jpg

1.
Did you know that Probability Theory didn't exist until the 17th century? Up until 350 years ago (give or take) it was inconceivable that we could measure the likeliness of an event and then express this likeliness in numbers. I was shocked to learn that this was so recently out of mind's reach for us.

I went to hear NPR's Math Guy, Keith Devlin, deliver a lecture on his most recent book, The Unfinished Game. Devlin reminded me of the guys from Radio Lab, communicating "advanced" concepts to diverse audiences with the help of different media. His book claims that a single document--a letter between Blaise Pascal and Pierre de Fermat--changed the field of mathematics and radically transformed the way people think and reason.

The story I heard goes like this: Early probability was limited to gambling, where, for example, it was commonly known that the odds of rolling two sixes is 1/36 (I had to look that up just now). Determining odds in a finite setting was one thing, but applying this kind of logic to messy human behavior was (and is) altogether different.

For centuries, a by-our-standards simple problem confounded scholars, who routinely failed to solve it. Say two guys--Albert and Bernie--are playing a game of stakes with 5 rounds. The first to win 3 rounds takes the pot. At the end of round three, Albert has 1 win and Bernie has 2. For some unknown reason, they have to call it quits and part ways, never to resume to game. Without a clear winner, how should they divide the pot?

Well, if you work out all the possible scenarios for how the game could have proceeded (there are only 4), you find that odds are 1:3 in favor of Bernie taking the pot. Albert's chances of winning are 1 in 4; Bernie's: 3 in 4. So, Albert should take ¼ of the pot, Bernie: ¾. DUH Blaise!

Until 1654, mathematicians claimed that this was an unsolvable problem; the question of how to divide the pot of an unfinished game was impossible to answer. While struggling with the impossible, Pascal sought the help of Fermat, the most respected mathematician of his time. And, after some correspondence, Fermat (remarkably) arrived at the solution. !!!.

Pascal still couldn't comprehend the solution even after it was spelled out for him. He whined and contested and developed a more complicated (and less correct) solution. As Devlin repeatedly pointed out, people simply didn't think this way. Sure, they could draw on past experience and data and make reasonable predictions, but they didn't bank on their predictions; they didn't measure and quantify data, then calculate outcomes and prescribe behavior. Not like that, anyway.

Scholars once thought nondeterministic events (those containing randomness and variable factors) were the mysterious yet-to-be-unfolded ways of whatever's-in-control. The belief that the future was out of our hands, impossible to predict, was powerful enough to block or contradict the logic of basic probability. Belief and logic aren't so different: they're wed, for better or worse.

When I try to put myself in that mindset, not taking for granted the world I was raised in, I can almost feel the logic. The future belongs to Fortune--it can't be computed. It would be arbitrary, silly, unfounded to divide the pot according to an unknown future--according to nothing. Suddenly, soothsayers, palm readers, and folk almanacs don't seem so cockamamie. What more appropriate weapon to wield before the absurdity of Fortune than, well, absurdity?

2.
Superstitions learn from metaphor, emulating the way words leap from sense to disconnected sense. Our minds are full of things we've made up; relationships that don't exist; skyscrapers without skeletons.

Since I can remember, my parents have anointed my forehead with oil. On the first day of school, Dad with the squeeze bottle--the same oil used to rub beach tar from our soles. Moving out, Mom with the extra-large, Extra-Virgin Olive. Spilled it on the tile and my dog licked it up. Gently lift the bangs and two quick strokes with the thumb. Don't exhale 'til it's done. Don't wipe 'til you're gone.

3.
For protection from bad things, do the following without fail: Adopt an old dog. Dry out his eyes when he's dead and tie them to your left wrist. Write a letter to your sweetheart. Write it again with Cheetos fingers then lick it clean. Sing the Prayer of Jabez out your basement window as long as it's raining. Sing it with the water in your mouth.

Do it without fail. In doing so, you will erase your credit history. Count your mutual funds, clip the weather reports, apply for loans that aren't FDIC insured. Go back to school.

For protection, for money, for love: climb the golden arm and be sure the camera is ready. Don't call and don't wait. Always get the idiot's insurance information. For security, for friendship, for success: join the Wall Street Choir, become a young professional, have luck, have timing, have talent, will travel.

a little Ocean Barber

For the past year I've been building a little collection of poems, assembled under the title, Ocean Barber. Mostly, they just sort of sit there. I reopen the documents and poke and tweak and stare. They confuse me and I don't know how best to share them.

I can't help but think they should heard and not seen. Ocean Barber came from a year of muffled thought and paper-thin days that nearly got the best of me. It should sound like someone faintly humming under a pool; like slow reflexes, if they had a sound.

I have recorded a few and put them to video, hoping it will be a good start.


What it wants from lion.mouth on Vimeo.


Watching movies alone from lion.mouth on Vimeo.


Don't be mad from lion.mouth on Vimeo.

Amtrak liturgy.


Amtrak Liturgy from lion.mouth on Vimeo.

A four minute interpretation of a fifteen hour train ride. Sights between Philly and Montreal captured on my camera phone.

Train rides are slow and peaceful yet stilted affairs. It feels like you're about to elope, if only you can get there.

I rode with a friend; our naps were out of sync. It was quiet and watchful and whispered and boring. We listened to a struggling strophe.

You will be disappointed.

This is how it all began. Some of you will get something in the mail, but don't be fooled: it deteriorates from here.

1 2

Hello.

Hello.

Her face could heal a man.

The first principle of divinations: speak in past tense.

The only principle.

Am I that her?

It's a trick. I recognized my gift for the first time listening to the radio.

And eventually the variety will be infinite?

In the beginning, everything was ugly, but you're right, the truth is getting prettier.

The more you have to stand back.

How does it go? The only certain part?

Try putting it there. Look at it.

Now hold its knees, and hum.

And say, That baby don't look like me.

That's advanced.

Who doesn't know that this city was founded only after taking the divinations?
3 5

I am glad it wasn't beautiful, and then it was.

Only after.

What you lost, and what you had.

Some of your dreams are unrealistic.

And say, Mama, don't you know I love you?

It is possible to direct the birds, but only after.

When God closes a door, you should start to talk about sailing.

There are some formulas: washing things, placing them under your pillow, the rhyme commencing.

Do you remember?

You weren't not unlike yourself.
6 4

Practice ranking a set of given possibilities.

There's given, borrowed, bought and stolen.

Tuesday, Friday, Sunday, Thursday.

The radio will help you accept your limitations.

Forget about oars and sails, you can add them later.

Do you remember your first moment of self-awareness?

It could have been at any time.

I'll tell you the object: to end up in some sort of embrace. So, whatever it takes.

There are so many songs now, and they're getting gentler.

Smarter.

You can only name the parts after, if you have to.

You have to.

For someone who is less than fully aware, but more than blindly ignorant, it makes it easier to accept the probability of unfolding events.

This is why I suggest looking away, and then memorizing.
7 8

What do you tell people always?

Some of your dreams are unrealistic.

Do what your birds have predicted would be possible.

That's not much.

Stand back. Farther. Say, What you lost, and what you had.

What you lost, and what you had.

Compare everything to desert air.

And what if they don't believe you?

That would be stupid.

Do you remember how we met?

Not by chance.

It wasn't like that at all.

She was dragging her oars.

It was that afternoon I went sailing.

I've memorized it perfectly.

Naysay you will.

Something I would love to say one day is, "It's my birthday and you promised."

And, "Hamburgers and blue-jeans are over, brother.

Also, "Pinkberry is so passé."

I spend lots of time trying to catalogue possibilities. I think about division and multiplication, both sides of the coin.

Everything is Enumerated.

Proper nouns and common nouns. Words that whittle and words that group. We meet a sudden difference between mountains and MOUNTAINS, birds and BIRDS. MOUNTAINS and BIRDS can only be spotted by experts who've made careful eliminations.

A dogged little question: Do you understand 'singular'? How about now? Are we like that thin coin of love? Heads: our hearts in our mouths; Tails: OUR HEARTS in OUR MOUTHS.

The woman who told us that the art of losing isn't hard to master, also wrote this:

The tumult in the heart
keeps asking questions.
And then it stops and undertakes to answer
in the same tone of voice.
No one could tell the difference.

Uninnocent, these conversations start,
and then engage the senses,
only half-meaning to.
And then there is no choice,
and then there is no sense;

until a name
and all its connotation are the same.

And now--because things start, and then, and then--I'm just (nay)saying what I want.

23.

there isn't much left to explore
i laughed at the face on a hydrant

i am not a buddhist
i don't like the tones buddhists take with people

i am the ball at the end of a slack pendulum
this is my compassion

you can't have your contempt unless you brought enough for everyone
some people think filth is charming

there's a stone figure with a large hat across the street
he looks like he's drowning in a bell

when i moved my dad bought me a clean refrigerator
i saw a dress with one button at each peak of collarbone

i want all my things to be double breasted
no one is that anchored that whole

a space always filling with air
balloons foreheads

bells
lift-off

I can't say anything more about it here, but if you want to be a Naysayer, send me your address. I'm not joking, I wouldn't embarrass you like that. Send your address to alisha@existentialmedia.org, and wait. Impatiently. I'm just gonna send something back to you, it's not a big deal. NBD.

So email me. I have INTENTIONS.

Choreography, they say, does not replace articulation; therefore bees cannot be said to have a syntax.

talkinganimals.jpg

I've been reading a little about animal cognition and communication (Shhhhh, its research!). The mystery of "what goes on inside" an elephant's head is not really what interests me; it's what animals reveal about the relationship of perception, language and knowledge. If language is what we use to segment and inform the continuum of our perceptions, then language is knowledge (and knowledge is language) and the knowledge of animals must be very, very foreign. Learning about non-human life forms continually confirms my suspicions: (1) We aren't shaped by language, we are language (whatever language that may be), and (2) Many of us have aliens living in our own homes.

Wittgenstein gave us this famous verdict on animal language and consciousness: "If a lion could talk, we would not understand him." Some people think he was saying that animals can't have language as advanced as our own. I think he was saying that lions have different perceptual apparatus, and a different symbology, so even if a lion could communicate in English, or sign language, the words and metaphors it would draw upon would follow a completely different logic. This is exactly why I have always been freaked out by the idea of pets. We're so casual about having animals live with us, and strangely confident that all our one-sided conversations are penetrating them just as they would a baby, or a mute uncle. Yet animals, so long as we don't speak their language, should silence us like contemplation of the galaxies.

Think of all the pictures of cats on the web. No matter how much we learn about their bodies and brains, no matter how much we live and interact with them, they remain icons, or symbols, or something. We gaze at them like stars and predicate their meaning and identity with our own image.

The questions that haunt us are: Do they understand me? Do they appreciate beauty? Do they have memories? Do they make meaning? Do they have anything at all like story and narrative? Do they differentiate right and wrong? As this line of questioning continues, it becomes more and more obvious that the answer is no. Well, at least not like that, right? The problem is we have no idea how to phrase the questions so they even make sense in the context of a dolphin's experience (or an ant's, or a rabbit's, or a dinosaur's, or a blue jay's).

We know that animals can see, hear, smell, taste, touch and feel; we imagine that they think, reason, and abstract from their own histories of sensory information. We try and put ourselves inside a dog's colorblind, scent-swamped, ear-pricked experience, marveling at how differently they see the world. But it's not as though we could simply heighten and dampen certain senses and brain capacities and arrive at a dog's interpretation of the world. It's not as if the world is a fixed text, or dataset, seen from various angles, or interpreted through different lenses, which we can compare and contrast. It is dynamic, existing in relationship and process.

Remember triads? All of our information comes to us via "a cooperation of three subjects": sign, object, and interpretant. According to Charles Pierce, as quoted in this essay, "this tri-relative influence" is not "in any way resolvable into actions between pairs." It's not just the world and it's interpreters, there are these little guys called signs--the words and symbols we use to communicate our perceptions--aiding and interfering. The "tri-relative world" exists in the interface. Animal signs and sign-functions are not like our own. And with this brilliant kernel of evidence *wink*, I suggest that animals do not live on Earth, as we know it: they are aliens on planets that may as well be light years away.

Thomas Sebeok, the semiotician who applied sign study to the study of evolution of life systems, and popularized Biosemiotics, believed that "semiosis [or sign behavior] must be recognized as a pervasive fact of nature as well as of culture." "The significance circuit," as Sebeok calls it in his essay, "The Sign Science and The Life Science," is "based on construction by the observer-participancy of some carbon-based life." Animal, vegetable, mineral--each the locus of its Umvelt. Not vessels of communication, transmitting information and receiving knowledge, but communication itself, constituting what is seen, known and understood.

Mostly, I just I love the way we talk about our furrier friends, attributing cunning and emotion, and imagining inner monologues.

Vegetables make love above the tenors.

All told, I haven't read or seen very many plays. Over the last few months, I've started browsing shelves marked "Drama," "Theatre," and "Playwrights." Generally, these shelves can be browsed in a minute, and that's if you're being thorough--reading each title and tugging every spine, one by one. The Santa Barbara Central Library, heavy on melodrama and morality, left a lot to be desired (not that I could tell you what was missing). Still, no matter how limited the selection, these shelves are unnavigable to me. My narrow compass is useless outside the land of High School Musical Theatre.*

This is why I've jury rigged a new compass to keep me from walking in circles. It has only two cardinal points: plays other people expressly recommend, and plays by people I am already familiar with. In place of magnetic precision, my compass offers safe bets. More often than not, this means playwrights who were originally, or primarily, poets. I keep meaning to read Pinter and Albee and Labute, but when I see an e.e. cummings play, hot damn! How can that not be good?! It's led me to some interesting reads, and even more interesting questions, which keep me browsing those shelves.

Naturally, I've spent some time thinking about what differentiates a play from a poem, and how the mediums interact. I want to know if there is such a thing as writing-a-play-as-a-poet, and writing-a-poem-as-a-playwright, and whether the writing would be distinct as such. "Poem" and "Play" are constructs, but they're ingrained and operable; we know which one we're looking at, and I think it's safe to continue talking about them.

Certain poetic disciplines are also the building blocks, in my opinion, of a strong dramatic piece. For me, poems require close attention to structure--planned or unplanned, formal or informal--and a careful reduction of images. A poem places you in an elastically bound space, hands you the essential objects, then leaves. Plays do the same, only literally. Poets are deliberate with every syllable, treating linguistic minutiae like volatile genetic material. Similarly, playwrights are responsible for each word, considering how it reveals or masks a character.

Playwriting, in my very limited experience, is like stepping inside a poem and making its internal argument apparent. Any implicit tensions or questions are animated. The transition from poem to play is like taking a puzzling piece of machinery, separating all its parts, and laying them out so their relations to one another become obvious, if not explicable.

It's pretty stupid to talk about poems because they are what they are. Lyricism, nonsense, playfulness, stillness, description, intimacy, ambiguity--in a poem, anything can be an end. You know how when you read a poem, you kind of hear it in a voice that's coming from the place where your ribs join? Or how this knotted awareness forms in your stomach? I want to know how this can happen in a play without sacrificing narrative or always succumbing to surrealism. In other words, I want to write something accessible, relatable, easy to follow, and convincing, yet retain that feeling that it's all being spoken by a very beautiful voice inside you.

Maybe that's not the point of a play, though. Maybe the point is to make you face up to others and give equal attention to several incongruous voices at once. Can a poem do this? Probably. What is a poem again? A play? Fuck, maybe it's not safe to talk about this, after all. Form is important and inescapable (it all comes back to architecture), but as soon as you inhabit one, it yields itself.

I would be wise to give you an example before we all evaporate.

<a href="http://www.undermilkwood.net/prose_undermilkwood.html"Under Milk Wood, by Dylan Thomas

umw.jpg

This is technically "a play for voices," and was originally performed for radio. It was later made into a film featuring Elizabeth Taylor and Peter O'Toole, which, I must admit, is difficult for me to envision. Under Milk Wood is like music. It is written in the dialect of a small, Welsh, sea-side town--a dialect that was in Thomas' blood. It's rhythm is pronounced, and Thomas indulges--no, luxuriates--in consonance, alliteration and rhyme. I would love to hear it performed; even in reading the language is enough to carry the play without plot or content:

FIRST VOICE

Vegetables make love above the tenors.

SECOND VOICE
and dogs bark blue in the face.

FIRST VOICE
Mrs. Ogmore-Pritchard belches in a teeny hanky and chases the sunlight with a flywhisk, but even she cannot drive out the Spring: from one of the finger-bowls, a primrose grows.

C'mon, I could listen to lines like that on repeat, no context necessary.

Under Milk Wood presents a cycle, opening and closing at dawn. The day we observe (hear?) could be any day at all, the limited cast going about their chores and repeating well-worn gossip. This gives it a mythic quality; the town may as well be the only existence, and its people eternal. The language supports this quality, reminding us of oracle and, well, poetry. Even when you're not sure what's happening, you can remain present with each line, and sense the earthy magic of the town and people.

FIRST VOICE (very softly)

Listen. It is night in the chill, squat chapel, hymning in bonnet and brooch and bombazine black, butterfly choker and bootlace bow, coughing like nannygoats, sucking mintoes, fortywinking hallelujah; night in the four-ale, quiet as a domino; in Ocky Milkman's lofts like a mouse with gloves; in Dai Bread's bakery flying like black flour. It is to-night in Donkey Street, trotting silent, with seaweed on its hooves, along the cockled cobbles, past curtained fernpot, text and trinket, harmonium, holy dresser, watercolours done by hand, chinadog and rosy tin teacaddy. It is night neddying among the snuggeries of babies.

The story is narrated by these Voices, but specific characters also speak, relieving the heavy flow of third-person description. People with names like Mrs. Ogmore Pritchard, Gossamer Beynon, Willy Nilly and Polly Garter often speak in playful, rhyming stanzas. This acts like a cue for the listener--someone is speaking now. The polished, plain verse of the characters stands in contrast to the detailed, near-stream-of-consciousness narration. The Voices immerse the listener and build like waves, then break against a person. The effect is that these persons feel crisp and real.

SECOND VOICE

The lust and lilt and lather and emerald breeze and crackle of the bird-praise and body of Spring with its breasts full of rivering May-milk, means, to that lorldly fish-head nibbler, nothing but another nearness to the tribes and navies of the Last Black Day who'll sear and pillage down Armageddon hill to his double-locked rusty-shuttered tick-tock dust-scrabbled shack at the bottom of the town that has fallen head over bells in love.

POLLY GARTER
And I'll never have such loving again,

SECOND VOICE
Pretty Polly hums and longs.

POLLY GARTER (sings)
Now when farmers boys on the first fair day
Come down from the hills to drink and be gay,
Before the sun sinks I'll lie there in their arms
For they're good bad boys from the lonely farms...

Isn't it beautiful? You can listen to the full thing here and here.

* If you're unsure if what you're looking at is a musical, ask yourself, Does the title end in an exclamation point? If yes, you've got a musical on your hands. Fortunately, there are many other obvious indicators that should tip you off before you even look at a title. Also, nobody reads musicals.

His heart, as it were.

I've been trying to figure out some backstory.

...............

Alma stood on the rim of the fountain and looked at the White Hawk. She kept her eyes still and the let the hawk's flit in and out of contact. The bars of the cage were painted with a green wash, and thick like frosting. There were two White Hawks. They perched tail to tail, facing opposite directions, so their hunched bodies seemed to be the wings of a bigger, headless bird. In the little pond beneath them, a soft-shelled tortoise pressed gently against the tile.

Alma stood, giving proper attention, until the owner came back with chicken, pita, melon and lamb. He dumped half in the water, half in the cage, then held the plate out at his side. A small deer licked it clean.

"It will smell like perfume," he said.

She waited.

"If you kill it, its blood is like perfume."

Plausible. The air conditioned lunch, electricity, wifi--she was drunk on luxuries. That morning, in his suite, she learned a few things: scale in the bathroom, Harry Potter on the book shelf, empty fridge, cereal under the sink. He smiled at her and blushed purple. His sweet-looking, old body made everything harmless, even the white flash of his eyes. It would be so easy not to leave. There, in the open courtyard, he took her jaw in his hand and lifted her face.

Her jaw fit neatly in the v of his thumb and forefinger. She drew back. He gripped. Her body moved three steps back, but her chin stayed put. There is an animal that looks like this in profile--a giraffe? Something that extends its neck to eat and uses its bottom teeth to snap leaves from their twigs. She felt ridiculous and panicked. She laughed and he let go.